


never give up; never surrender

by zimriya



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Aliens, Alternate Universe - Science Fiction, Changmin is most tsundere, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, M/M, a Galaxy Quest AU so like
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-26
Updated: 2017-03-26
Packaged: 2018-10-11 01:48:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10452255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zimriya/pseuds/zimriya
Summary: The one where they’re all actors on a totally-not-rip-off-but-also-totally-a-rip-off ofStar Trek, Changmin is not-so-secretly in love with Yunho, and Yunho gets abducted by aliens.AGalaxy QuestAU





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [easterlystars](https://archiveofourown.org/users/easterlystars/gifts).



> I made some offhand comment once upon a time about wanting to write a Galaxy Quest AU and Scar was like 'do the thing' so I did the thing. This is therefore dedicated--officially dedicated because responsibility should be taken. 
> 
> Title from the film in question.
> 
> Betaed by Scar, Izzy, and Saiya who are all lovely humans. Also shout out to Poppy for cheerleading. All other mistakes are my own, assume translation, etc etc etc.

**never give up; never surrender**

\--

Changmin hates conventions. Well. Maybe that’s a stretch.

It’s not so much that Changmin hates conventions themselves, as his publicist Victoria is oh so fond of reminding him, but that he hates the _convention crowds_. All the pushing and shrieking and quite frankly terrible costume-wearing is downright migraine inducing, and by the end of the day Changmin usually ends up feeling well on his way to having carpal tunnel. Simply put, Changmin hates the _fans_ at conventions, which sounds awful pretty much every way you spin it, so in interviews--and occasionally on Twitter--it’s the conventions themselves that he hates.

And also Jung Yunho, which is why when Victoria interrupts him in the middle of his early morning run to tell im that not only are they going to Cassiopeia-con but also Minho-ssi and Boa-ssi and everyone else from that hellhole will be there, Changmin considers throwing himself into the Han River.

“What the fuck?” he says in preface to this, because Changmin is nothing if not a cynic, and everyone knows that cynics have decided what their last words will be. (As last words goes, ‘what the fuck’ has just the right amount of pizzazz and also swear words to satisfy Changmin’s lifelong desire to make his homophobic family members scowl at his funeral.)

Of course, before he can make good on the swan dive, Victoria grabs him by the arm. She’s unfairly in shape for being predominately tasked with cleaning up after Changmin’s online messes, so speeding up really isn’t an option, but she’s also known Changmin long enough that her grip is like a vice, so by the time Changmin’s brain has finished digesting ‘Cassiopeia-con’ and produced ‘Jung Motherfucking Yunho will also probably be there’ it’s too late.  

“Don’t be a drama queen,” Victoria says, pulling out like three phones.

Changmin leashes his tongue, barely. “I hate you,” he settles for.

Victoria doesn’t even bother with a response. “You’re obviously the main act,” she says, staring down at one of the phones in her free hand, and then shuffling to the next one without blinking. It’s these kinds of magical power skills that Changmin keeps her around for. “And before you say anything--no we cannot cancel--” Victoria finishes typing one handed on what Changmin is ninety percent certain is his phone-- “Twitter is freaking out.”

It’s his phone. Changmin doesn’t know whether to laugh or feel violated.

“--also they’ll probably be expecting you to wear the costume,” Victoria finishes, like the demon women she moonlights as. “And no, we can’t compromise on that either.” She pauses for vicious effect. “Doctor Bambi.”

Changmin bares his teeth at her. “I will throw myself off this bridge.”

Victoria releases him so she can ruffle his hair. “Love you too,” she says, and then grabs him again before he can make good on that promise.

\--

Contrary to public opinion, Changmin hadn’t actually intended to jumpstart his television career playing what on a drunken night out even he was willing to admit was essentially a deer with a doctorate on South Korea’s idea of _Star Trek_. In fact, Changmin hadn’t actually intended to jumpstart his television career at all. Modeling was going fine for him, and while it certainly didn’t pay as well as _Dong Bang Shin Ki_ ’s first season did, at the very least Changmin didn’t have to sit in a chair for five hours getting prosthetic antlers attached to his head before every damn fashion show. Mostly Changmin had just wanted to try new things and get Victoria to leave him alone. And also, maybe, it had had a little to do with the fact that Jung Yunho was rumored to have been attached to the project. Even Changmin, who on a good day was only asked if he was living under a rock twice, had to admit that 2011 Jung Yunho’s face was unfair.

2013 Jung Yunho, as it happens, retains his boyish good looks, smile, and sunny personality, but unfortunately for 2011 Shim Changmin and 2011 Shim Changmin’s right hand, _2013_ Shim Changmin is intimately aware of how much of an absolute _tool_ he is.

But he’s not going to say that, because he’s going to play nice, or Victoria is going to burn all of his video games.

“You’re a dick,” says Changmin’s traitorous, video game hating mouth, the moment Victoria’s finished ushering him through the underbelly of Cassiopeia-con to where the man in question is hovering behind a curtain.  

Yunho’s smile dims slightly, and for a second he actually looks hurt, before he schools his features into a familiar look of disdain. He’s more built than Changmin remembers, shoulders broad and bare arms rippling as he drops his hands behind his back, and Changmin is all of a sudden transported back to his first time on set, when the writer-noonas had taken one look at Changmin’s physique and immediately cleaved all the sleeves off everyone’s wardrobe. At the time, Yunho had been softer than he is now, and much more self-conscious, but he’d taken to the outfit changes with good humor and infinite positivity. Nowadays he’s probably topless more often than not because of that sunscreen CF, and for a second, Changmin is almost nostalgic.

But then Yunho is taking a step back and fucking bowing, and any warm feelings Changmin’s heart had managed to accumulate vanish into nothing.

“Nice to see you too, Changmin-ssi,” says Yunho, polite to a fault.

Changmin fights off a sarcastic remark and dips his head as best he can with the damned antlers, gesturing towards them angrily and rolling his eyes. “Sorry,” he says. “I would bow, but…” He trails off. It’s far less polite than he should be, and part of Changmin wants to apologize for that, but he bites his tongue and tries to remember how very much he and Yunho do not get on.

Yunho’s manager shoots Changmin a sharp look which leaves Changmin almost cowed, but Yunho doesn’t seem bothered. “It’s fine,” he says, and then, with another terribly awkward bow, steps around Changmin to go greet Kwon Boa, who’s just arrived in a flurry of flustered make-up-noonas and stylists.

Changmin stares very hard at the curtain in front of him and debates sticking his head in a freezer or something. Probably that’d be okay. The antlers are pretty fucking sealed on, and all.

“You’re an idiot,” says Victoria, appearing at his side once more like some sort of wizard. “Ara said that he was asking after you.”

Changmin grits his teeth and manages something of a smile. “Was he.”

Victoria gives him a long look before smacking him on the arm. “Yah, Shim Changmin,” she says, ignoring Changmin as he starts sputtering at her and rubbing his arm. “Behave. You’re acting like a child.”

“He’s the one who started it,” Changmin points out, which, granted, does nothing to help his case.

Victoria stares back at him with one eyebrow raised as if daring him to speak, and Changmin retreats, actually cowed this time.

“Fine,” he says quietly, still rubbing at his arm. “I hate these things.”

Victoria visibly softens, and reaches up to brush Changmin’s bangs out of his eyes. “Changmin-ah,” she says gently, and then ruins the moment by grabbing one of Changmin’s ears. “ _Bambi_.”

Changmin barely restrains himself from fighting her, because they’re in damn public. “Yah!” he whines, twisting free of her grip and glowering at her.

Victoria just laughs at him, and punches him in the shoulder. “Sorry,” she says, not sounding it at all. “You’re just too cute.”

Changmin keeps glaring at her, unamused. “I’m not cute,” he points out, at the same time Choi Siwon arrives backstage in full costume.

He’s loud, amused, and far too familiar with Yunho as he sidles up to the other man and fucking _strokes_ his biceps, but Changmin holds his fucking tongue. He only knows the man’s name because of that unfortunate webseries that Siwon hosts where he talks about his time on _DBSK_ \--for one episode--and also devotes an entire corner to discussion about the various sparkly outfits Choikang and U-Know wore over the course of the show. Changmin would approve, if it weren’t for the fact that Siwon insisted on referring to everyone by their character names and also had a running gag involving reindeer antlers, a Rudolph nose, and a Choikang mask that Victoria swore up and down no longer existed anywhere but the darkweb.

As it stands, Changmin is glad that he has the protection of the curtain to keep their entire fanbase from seeing how very unimpressed he is by Choi Siwon.

“Yunho-hyung!” says Siwon, with a politeness Changmin thinks is more than a little late considering the fact that the man’s basically molested Yunho’s entire arm. “It’s so good to see you again!”

Changmin tries very hard to remember if Siwon’s always been this loud, or if it’s just the circumstances that have every single word out of his mouth sounding like nails on a chalkboard.

“Siwon-ah,” says Yunho, ever gracious. “How are you?” He smiles with too many teeth.

Changmin meets Yunho’s eyes across the way mostly accidentally, but the amusement swimming in them has him smiling back before he can stop himself. Now that he thinks about it, Yunho’s teeth are definitely different.

Something of that must show on his face, because Yunho mouths, _‘Veneers,’_ at him with that uncanny ability of his to read Changmin’s damn mind.

Changmin would hate him for that, but their near telepathy is part of the reason the show ran for as long as it did, especially considering it had a mostly (mainly) fictional narrative. _‘Ah,’_ he mouths back at Yunho, whose eyes crinkle up at the corners before he turns back to Siwon with appeasement clear in every bit of body language.

Changmin’s throat is very, very dry.

“I think you should fuck him,” says Victoria, not at all quietly and like a bucket of ice water.

Changmin jumps, because he’d forgotten she was there. He mostly clutches his chest just to give her shit, however. “Oi!” he cries. “Victoria-ssi!”

Victoria raises one perfect eyebrow. “Victoria-ssi,” she repeats, dubious.

“I’m not going to fuck him!” growls Changmin, and then, flushing, “I mean. I don’t want to fuck him. I mean. He doesn’t want to fuck me. I mean--” he trails off, ears flaming, and thinks he has to be having some sort of out of body experience because his hearing’s gone all foggy. Maybe it’s the flush--maybe his ears will never hear the same again. They certainly feel like they’ll never be the same _color_ again.

“Who’s fucking who now?” interrupts Lee Hyukjae, and Changmin and Victoria swing around to look at him.

Hyukjae-hyung is thinner than Changmin remembers him, but it works on him in ways that slenderness had never quite worked for Changmin himself. His hair is also longer and dark again, instead of the various fantasy colors that he’d had on DBSK. He’s already been primped with make-up and shoved into the costume, which showcases his arms and somehow manages to be less sequined than everyone else’s.

Changmin hasn’t seen him in years.

“Hyukjae-ah!” says Yunho, interrupting Changmin before he’s even fucking _spoken_ , disengaging from Siwon with ease and heading over to tug Hyukjae-hyung into a bear hug.

Hyukjae-hyung takes it all in stride, patting Yunho once on the back a few times. “Aigoo, Yunho-hyung, you saw me yesterday for bimbap.”

Yunho keeps hugging Hyukjae-hyung, who’s smiling now, and Changmin very distinctly remembers how it had been towards the end of _DBSK_. Not that it had been great at the beginning, but by the end not even Yunho was really trying. Which was saying something.

He’s saved from having to say something to ease the sudden awkward silence and knowing look in Victoria’s eye, however, by Minho and Taemin, who each take the time to engulf Changmin in giant hugs as well. Changmin ends up too busy playing hyung, and then playing maknae with Hyukjae-hyung and Boa-noona, and then they’re being dragged onto the stage to the cheers of the fans.

\--

Twenty minutes in and Changmin is ready to invent time travel simply so that he can throw himself into the Han River the moment Victoria so much as breathes at him. They’ve done their usual song and dance--introductions, bowing, posing, saying of iconic phrases (Changmin’s going to use his newly invented time machine to go back in time to murder Shim Jaewon for writing that abysmal line in the first place)--and finally a stunning five minutes of watching fan videos. They’re all good, actually, since _DBSK_ fans are nothing if not accomplished and talented individuals, but Changmin saw the set-up for the convention and he knows that the moment they finish answering questions and smiling for fans from stage they’re going to be forced to sign things.

And the carpal tunnel.

Changmin is twenty-eight years old. Twenty-eight-year olds are not supposed to get carpal tunnel.

“Changmin-ah,” hisses Yunho, smiling too wide and standing too close to Changmin as they start to file off stage several minutes later. “You’re scaring people.”

Changmin begs to differ--it’s patently impossible to look scary wearing the antlers, which he knows from one too many drunken nights out with Minho and the aforementioned Shim Jaewon--but Yunho’s ability to not only smile at fans but also critique Changmin only adds to the appalling ache in Changmin’s temples.

“Sorry, Yunho-hyung,” he whispers right back, and smiles extra hard like it’s a competition or a food CF.

And Yunho doesn’t really trip so much as stumble, but Changmin grabs him by the arm anyway, more reflex than anything, and the crowd fucking _coos_ at them.

Changmin releases Yunho like he’s been burned, face flaming, and power walks off the stage, order and dignity be damned.

\--

“What do you mean you want me to have lunch with Jung Yunho?” says Changmin, pausing with a water bottle halfway to his mouth. He’s trapped in the company car with Victoria, so there is really no conceivable way for him to get out of this conversation, but they’re nearly at a light so. Driver-nim is nothing if not a stickler for the rules, so they’ll be slowing very shortly, and Changmin could probably roll his way to safety.

The doors lock with an ominous click.

Changmin reconsiders is opinion of Driver-nim. The man is a _menace_.

Victoria is still staring at him, unimpressed.

“…hyung,” Changmin finishes, taking a quick swig of water and capping the bottle. “What do you mean you want me to have lunch with Yunho- _hyung_?”

Victoria keeps staring at him.

Changmin blinks back at her. “What?” he says. His ears feel warm again. Which is dumb. Changmin has no reason to be embarrassed.

Victoria stares at him for a second more, before shaking her head briefly. “Nothing,” she says lightly, and then glances back down at her phone. “Ara and I think it would be good for your image.”

“My image,” Changmin repeats, dubious.

Victoria reaches across the car and thwacks him on the arm. “Stop being a dick, Changmin,” she says.

Changmin rubs at his arm and glares at her, shoving himself as far away from her as he can with the seatbelt. “Yah! Abuse!” he says. “I’m filing a complaint!”

Victoria lowers her phone like one would sunglasses, and stares at him until he gives up the ghost and stops rubbing at his non-existent bruise.

“Dick,” Changmin mutters, ears definitely red now, and tries not to smile when Victoria’s lips twitch. They’ve known each other for years now, and while it hadn’t taken Victoria all that long to snark the gendered politeness right out of Changmin’s vocabulary, it still makes something squirm in the pit of his stomach to see her smile. And then his smile falls, slightly, when he remembers how very not good for each other they’d been, and how very much they agreed to not talk about it.

“Anyway I scheduled it for tomorrow,” continues Victoria, professional to a fault, gaze back on her phone. “That way people who want to write articles about the convention can also write about the stars of the show going on a date.”

There’s a beat.

“A lunch date,” Victoria corrects, barely keeping it together. “I meant a lunch date.”

Changmin can feel the heat wafting off his face in waves. “ _Noona_ ,” he whines.

“I’m younger than you,” Victoria lies automatically. “Anyway you’re going out to lunch with Yunho-hyung and that’s that.”

Changmin seriously considers taking his chances and throwing Victoria out of the car. “ _Noona_ ,” he repeats.

“Still younger than you,” repeats Victoria.

\--

Lunch with Jung Yunho goes about as well as it could, all things considered. By the time Changmin’d wrangled his way free of the car and into his apartment he had managed to secure the right to pick the place, menu, and time for what Victoria was insisting was not a date but was starting to feel very much like a date, what with how dolled up Changmin was expected to get.

“Not that you look bad normally,” Victoria had said, both hands raised, when Changmin hissed at her and went faintly pink around the edges. “Just. They’re going to be taking HD photos.”

“My entire life is HD photos,” Changmin had snapped back, and then slammed the door in her face so that he could angrily throw himself into bed without removing any of his make-up, showering, or laying out clothing. Because fuck Jung Yunho, basically.  

Unfortunately for Changmin, not only had there been clothes waiting for him the next morning, but he was also subjected to a twenty minute barrage of phone calls that would not end no matter how hard Changmin tried to get his sleep addled fingers to turn his phone on silent. So by the time Changmin arrives at his restaurant of choice he’s freshly showered, wearing damn cologne, and dressed to the nines.

Moderately.

Moderately to the nines.

He’d drawn the line at the damn tie, mostly because it was red with white polka dots and far too reminiscent of the episode where Choikang and U-Know went undercover at damn Disneyland. Or Disneyworld. Or Disney _something_ , since copyrights and time travel and whatever the fuck else. Changmin would have thought that having antlers meant he couldn’t be forced to wear mouse ears and a bow. Changmin was fucking _wrong_.

It turns out he’s made the right choice, because not only is Yunho wearing an almost matching black suit, but his tie has fucking _Mickey Mouse_ on it.

Changmin is going to murder Song Victoria, and then he is going to murder Go Ara, and then he is going to fucking _retire_ somewhere far away with no extradition to South Korea.

Yunho stands when Changmin approaches their table, having been ushered along by Lee Jonghyun, who looks way too happy about the turn of events, and Changmin decides picking his favorite restaurant for this lunch date was a bad idea.

“Changmin-ssi,” says Yunho, smiling and holding out a hand. “You came.”

Changmin bites back a truly acidic insult and takes Yunho’s outstretched hand with far too much grip.

Yunho’s smile slips, and Changmin feels beautiful, beautiful joy, before everything goes slightly off balance when Yunho tugs him in close for a hug. “Paps,” he says right up against the shell of Changmin’s ear. “Hug me back.”

Changmin feels a little lightheaded--Yunho has to have been doing cologne CFs now because what the _fuck_ \--and barely manages to school his features into something he hopes looks pleasant. He pats Yunho on the back a few times, severely out of his depth, and steps back after what he thinks is five seconds too long.

Yunho’s smile looks less plastic from this close up, and Changmin sinks into the seat left for him as gracefully as he can manage.

His legs feel like they’re shaking, and it’s a testament to how very affected Changmin is that his first thought is that the deer comparisons were spot on. “I should send Siwon-hyung an apology gift,” Changmin manages, voice a little hoarse and croaky.

Yunho seats himself across from him elegantly, legs crossing at the ankles and that same plastic smile curling around his mouth. “Siwonnie?” he says.

“For the Rudolph thing,” says Changmin, feeling very much like he’s dreaming. He gestures at his nose, then at his head.

Yunho is still smiling that brilliant fake smile at him, and Changmin is all of a sudden uncomfortable.

“Hyung,” he says. “Stop that.”

Yunho’s smile slips, his legs uncross, and he leans back in his seat ever so slightly. “Stop what?” he says, voice cautious.

Changmin gives himself a mental shake, and then a physical shake, and gets his fingers on the menu to distract himself. It’s his favorite restaurant. He doesn’t need the menu. “What were you thinking for wine?” he asks, pointedly not looking when Yunho remains silent.

“Whatever you want,” Yunho says finally, and something in his voice makes Changmin look up.

He feels tiny, suddenly, like they’re back in that room waiting for the table read and Yunho’s three seconds from dashing Changmin’s dreams with six words.

The walls around Changmin’s heart slam down. “Fine,” he says, a tad sharp, and smiles prettily for the cameras. He’s not quite as good as Yunho at the fakeness yet, but he thinks it’s not half bad, and certainly not worth the look Yunho throws him, like he’s tasted something far too bitter.

Changmin purposefully picks a white, because he remembers Yunho liking red better, and tries to feel smug, instead of cold, when Yunho closes off even more.

“So how have you been?” Yunho says finally, after they’ve ordered food and Changmin’s finished glaring at most of the wait staff. “Doing anything exciting?”

“Not really,” says Changmin, giving Jonghyun one last glare, and then turning back to Yunho, who actually looks like he cares. “Well.” Changmin is uncertain suddenly. “I, um, I might be doing something for MBC?” It’s not huge--only second lead, and therefore less likely to feature any kissing--and likely to force him into a fake mustache, but the premise sounded promising, and Changmin had always had a soft spot for fantasy. Not to mention it’s period, and about as far from _DBSK_ as possible.

“That’s great, Changmin,” says Yunho, and he sounds sincere, but Changmin knows better after all these years. Yunho’s got Best Actor from all three networks under his belt, and there are cameras.

There haven’t been quite as many flashbulbs as Changmin was expecting, so he shoots a glance over to where he knows they were all stationed, and then has to do a double take, because for a second he honestly thought there was a _spaceship_ blocking the view of the photographers, but that would be ridiculous. Definitely ridiculous, Changmin decides, when he blinks and the lenses come back into view. Absurd.

“Captain U-Know Yunho!” a voice calls, and Changmin’s head snaps back around.

A man is making their way to them--with bright blue hair and a too-wide smile. He’s wearing the _DBSK_ uniform, complete with the thigh holster and the ripped off sleeves from Season 2, and he’s even managed to get the barely there sequined stripes down the pants. Changmin would almost be impressed, if it weren’t for the fact that the man appears to be getting closer to their table, pushing past Jonghyun with seemingly little to no effort.

“Captain!” the man repeats, sliding to a halt in front of them, out of breath.

Jonghyun shoots Changmin an apologetic look from across the room, and Changmin risks a brief smile back at his friend, before turning to look at the fan in front of them.

“And Choikang--Doctor Choikang--Max--!” continues the fan, hands shuffling together in front of his chest and eyes wide. He appears to be actually blushing, and Changmin almost finds it cute.

The hair reminds him of Hyukjae-hyung in Season 2, now that he thinks about it.

“Hi,” says Changmin, mindful of the hired Paps outside. “What’s your name?”

Yunho looks at him with mild surprise, and Changmin raises an eyebrow back, but the fan doesn’t appear to notice, eyes stuck back on Yunho with some sort of hero worship.

“Donghae,” he says, and then a series of other words that make Changmin’s brain hurt, before bowing. “It’s an honor, Captain.”

Yunho blinks back at Donghae with a real smile curving around his lips. “The honor is all mine,” he says.

Changmin’s stomach fills with butterflies and his toes squirm a little. He hides a gag in a cough, and then keeps his hand in front of his mouth to hide the smile he can’t seem to keep off his face.

Donghae seems to vibrate with excitement, and he takes Yunho’s hand in his own. “No, the honor is all mine,” he says, shaking Yunho’s hand with boyish enthusiasm. “You do not know how long I have searched for you.”

Changmin drops his hand and opens his mouth at that, because now that he thinks about it Donghae sounds like he’s got something of an accent, but Yunho steps on his foot before he can say something about it. Changmin pouts at him before can stop himself.

Yunho flushes, suddenly, and Changmin is left a little breathless.

Donghae is still shaking Yunho’s hand. “You must come with me quickly,” he says, tugging a little, and then turning briefly to Changmin. “You do not mind, do you, Doctor?” And before Changmin can more than open his mouth to voice hesitance at this, he turns back to Yunho. “Please?”

“Do you want a photo?” Changmin starts to say, feeling more than a little lost, and reaches out to grab Yunho by the other hand on a whim.

“Okay?” says Yunho, fingers just missing Changmin’s and then there’s a flash of brilliant light, and Changmin is left sitting alone at the table.

For a moment, no one says anything. Then:

“What the fuck?” says Changmin, as practiced, and the sound rushes back in.

Which. Weird. No one seems to be too worried about the fact that one of Korea’s top stars just vanished in a _beam of light_ not to mention the fact that some guy with blue hair just abducted said top star. In fact conversation seems to have continued without a break--almost like nothing had happened _at all_.

Jonghyun approaches him a few moments later with a barely concealed barb about Changmin’s lack of love life, and Changmin decides that he must be dreaming. And well, if he’s dreaming, the least he can do is let dream-him enjoy good food and fine wine, so he eats whatever is delivered to him and drinks both his and Yunho’s glasses of wine, and then gets up to call a car back to his apartment.

He’s just finished sorting through his laundry when there’s an unexpected knock on the door, and while normally that would be worrying, because this is a dream, Changmin is unconcerned when he goes to open the door.

“ _Where the fuck is he!_ ” shouts Go Ara, striding into Changmin’s apartment like she owns it. She’s in heels, which does nothing to help Changmin’s height complex, and wrapped up in a tan trench coat and fine perfume. She goes whirlwinding past Changmin and into the lounge, still shouting, before vanishing around the corner and into the hall that leads to Changmin’s bedroom and guest rooms.

Changmin blinks, and lets the door close behind her. “Weird,” he says, after a moment. “I don’t remember ever wanting to have sex with Go Ara.”

Ara emerges from behind him with more shouting, and Changmin takes a moment to notice that no, she’s wearing clothing under the trench coat, so maybe it’s not this kind of dream.

“-- _I swear to God: Shim Changmin if you’ve murdered my client I will kill you!_ ”Ara is in the middle of shouting when Changmin stops frowning at her and starts hearing her.

“Client?” he says. “What’s this got to do with Yunho?”

“Don’t act shifty with me!” snarls Ara, stabbing a perfectly manicured nail into the center of Changmin’s chest and striding forward with an ominous clack of heels. “You were the last person to be seen with him and I have fucking _proof_!”

“What?” says Changmin, highly confused. “What are you even talking about--?”

“There!” snaps Ara, thrusting a phone into Changmin’s face. “‘ _Lunch with Alien Deer!_ ’” She brandishes the thing threateningly, and Changmin takes a step back to avoid losing an eye. “‘ _Meet at restaurant!_ ’” continues Ara, and Changmin, is starting to feel a little bit faint. She keeps going--reading out the address to the restaurant and Changmin decides he should sit down. “So don’t act like you don’t know what you’re talking about, _Changmin_ , and tell me where he is!”

“Wait,” says Changmin, brain whirring. “Wait--I’m in his phone as _Alien Deer_?” he shrieks, voice very, very high.

Ara looks at him like he’s ridiculous, and Changmin certainly feels ridiculous, but he thinks he’s justified, because Jung motherfucking Yunho apparently has a deathwish.

“ _Alien Deer_!?” Changmin repeats, still shrill. “What the fuck is _wrong with him_? Anyone can see that--doesn’t he know how technology _works_!?”

“ _YAH!_ ” says Ara, smacking Changmin across the head none too gently. “Concentrate!”

Changmin goes sprawling across his couch with a shout, and then, pauses. “Wait,” he says. “Wait. Hit me again.”

Ara raises her hand to do so, and then pauses, eyes narrowed. “This isn’t some sort of weird kink thing, like the candle thing, is it?” she says and Changmin takes advantage of the pause to slap himself across the face.

“Ow!” he cries, when it doesn’t wake him up, and instead leaves his cheek stinging. “I thought I told Victoria that no one is ever to speak of that to me again!”

Ara just looks at him like he’s drying nail polish.

Changmin considers slapping himself again. And then he finishes his train of thought. “Shit this isn’t a dream!” he cries, jumping off the couch and grabbing Ara by the shoulders. “Shit this is really happening!”

Ara stares back at him like he’s gone insane. “Changmin--” she starts to say.

“Shit-- _Yunho’s been abducted by aliens_!” finishes Changmin, and lets go of Ara like he’s been burned.

“Changmin--” tries Ara again, but Changmin isn’t listening. He goes hurtling across his living room for his phone, then off towards the bedroom for shoes--comfortable shoes, not loafers, because who _knows_ what the aliens are doing to Yunho, and if three years on a television show about space travel has taught Changmin only one thing it’s that running is crucial--and only whimpers slightly at the sight of his _entire underwear collection sprawled across his entire living room_.

“Fuck,” Changmin swears, shoving his feet into his sneakers and lunging for his phone, grabbing the thing off the counter and heading for the door.

“Changmin--” says Ara, but Changmin is too busy to wait.

“Lock up after yourself please!” he shouts over his shoulder, and heads for the elevator.

Several panicked minutes later and Changmin is standing where he thought the spaceship was, attracting less of a crowd than he would like, and staring at the sky.

Probably he should be shouting, or something, but Changmin really wouldn’t like to be causing _that_ much of a scene. Maybe he should call the rest of the _DBSK_ cast. They might have advice.

“Can you at least give him back in a timely fashion?” Changmin tries, pulling out his phone so that he doesn’t get odd looks. He casts a pleading look up at the sky and tries out a pout. “I think his publicist might kill me.”

Nothing happens.

Changmin wants to cry.

“Please?” he tries again. “I, um. People would miss him if you kept him.” He pauses. “He’s kind of a big deal here and, well, I.” He swallows. “I mean I guess I would miss him a little--”

The aliens must have some sort of look-away thing going on, because otherwise Changmin thinks Jung Yunho appearing from the middle of nowhere and landing in Shim Changmin’s outstretched arms would probably warrant at least three headlines and one ill-timed news story. As it stands, the look-away thing saves them, so while Changmin is now holding 183 centimeters of attractive Korean superstar, at the very least the unmanly shriek he lets out is heard by no one.

“Holy fucking shit balls,” says Changmin, stumbling a little with his grip on Yunho.

To his credit, Yunho looks remarkably well composed for having been abducted by aliens. “Changmin-ah,” he says pleasantly. “How nice to see you.”

“You too,” manages Changmin, gently lowering Yunho’s legs to the ground and setting him down next to him. “Um. Are you okay?”

“Fine,” says Yunho, still pleasantly, and leans over to the side to throw up.

“Right,” says Changmin, feeling lightheaded. “Right, okay. At least you didn’t get any on my shoes.”

Yunho lifts his middle finger up in a North American gesture of fuck you.

\--

Donghae, according to Yunho, is an alien. He’s actually not all that humanoid, underneath the hologram, but when Changmin presses Yunho for more information on that front Yunho ends up looking a little green again, so he lets it go. He’s also one of many aliens.

“They call themselves Super Junior?” says Yunho, swallowing great gulpfulls of the water bottle Changmin ran and grabbed him before they caught a cab. “Anyway, there’s like twelve of them,” he finishes. “They’re all…really big fans.”

Changmin blinks back at him, a little lost. “Fans?”

“They think _DBSK_ is real,” says Yunho, taking another big sip. “Like really, really real.” He pauses. “And, um. Ikindofpromisedthemwe’dgettheteamtogetherandhelpsavetheirplanetfromaneviloverlord?”

Changmin blinks a few more times. “What?” he says.

“Surprise?”

\--

“So....aliens,” says Kwon Boa, sounding about three seconds from hanging up the phone.

Changmin frantically shoves the device at Yunho, who takes it with minimal protesting. “Wha--Boa?” he says, eyes flitting between Changmin and Ara, who’s been seated at Changmin’s dining room table with her head in her hands for the full time it took for a vague explanation and for Changmin to call Boa.

Changmin shrugs, mostly for show, and then very quickly looks away.

Hyukjae is next on the list of people to call, and then Son Hojoon, who Changmin hasn’t spoken to since the show actually went off air, but whom he knows is Yunho’s real life best friend as well as U-Know’s best friend. (Actually, Choikang is probably U-Know’s best friend, Changmin’s traitorous mind points out, but Changmin is a master at ignoring the voices over others. Particularly Victoria’s, but also his own.)

Minho and Taemin have already been notified via text, to which both of them had readily replied with: _cool!_ and an ETA. Changmin could probably use some saner friends.

Across the table, Yunho is starting to look more than a little pink, and Changmin has to work very hard not to reach over and snag the phone mid conversation. He’d probably be justified, seeing as it is his phone. And also apparently Yunho likes him enough to have him in his phone, so. Never mind they don’t talk _at all_ , and never mind that Changmin is in Yunho’s phone as _Alien Deer_. Speaking of.

Changmin takes the opportunity to fish out Yunho’s own phone, which he’d snagged sometime during the car ride.

Yunho squawks at him, but Boa very quickly redemands his attention, and Changmin slides the thing unlocked with only mild glee. Yunho’s passcode is frighteningly easy--his sister’s birthday--but Changmin hadn’t actually been expecting him to have one, honestly, so he takes the moment to raise both his eyebrows.

Yunho shifts his legs pointedly to the left and swivels around on Changmin’s couch so he’s looking away. “No--real aliens, Boa, please,” he says.

“And now they’re flirting,” says Ara, from Changmin’s kitchen, and Changmin visibly jumps.

“Wait, what,” he says, at the same time Ara continues talking, voice way too loud.

“Like blatantly flirting,” she says, and Changmin doesn’t know what to do first.

Yunho’s ears have gone faintly pink at the tips, which Changmin thinks is frankly adorable, but also, dumb as all fuck because that’s his thing. As his many fans and all the fanfiction could tell you--Shim Changmin, and Doctor Choikang himself, is notorious for the red ear thing. Or blue, actually since you couldn’t have an alien doctor with normal colored blood.

So how dare Yunho, basically.

“No, Unnie, I know,” says Ara, voice carrying even more now that Yunho’s finished talking to Boa, who is, apparently on her way. “I owe you 10000 won.”

‘ _10000 won,’_ mouths Changmin, horrified.           

“You hired her,” says Yunho, unperturbed. “Now, Hyukjae?”

Changmin nods, still feeling warm. “And I think that’s enough of the team with Hojoon-hyung, yeah?”

“We should probably call Siwon--I’ll text him now,” says Yunho, reaching across the table to snag his phone back from Changmin, and then, displeased, “Oh, Changdol you changed your name.”

“ _Changdol?_ ” Changmin squeaks, and Ara collapses across the entire table.

“Oh my God,” she says.

“Siwonie says he’ll be at your place soon,” says Yunho, fingers still dancing across the keyboard. “And that he knew it.”

“Wait--hold on,” says Changmin. “Can we get back to the nickname business--?”

“And Hojoonie is on his way too,” finishes Yunho, unruffled. “Let me tell Donghae we’ll need a transport.”

“Wait--transport--what--” says Changmin, reaching forward and grabbing Yunho’s phone from him before he can do more damage. “Hold on--”

“Doctor Choikang!” says Donghae, materializing in a flash of blinding light that leaves Changmin blinking and has Ara politely hanging up with Victoria.

“No, actual aliens--I’m going to have to call you back,” she says, after a mild pause.

Changmin spares her a brief glance, before delicately taking Donghae’s hand. He shoves Yunho’s phone into his back pocket.

The man--alien--grips back enthusiastically, giving Changmin’s arm a thorough work out. “I am a huge fan of your work,” says Donghae. “Well. My friend--Ryeowook--is a huge fan of your work. He’s studied all of the documentaries. Him and Teukie-hyung.”

“Documentaries,” repeats Changmin. “Teukie-hyung.”

“Ryeowook is our doctor.”

Changmin’s arm is starting to feel numb.

“And Teukie-hyung is our commander. Our Yunho, if you will.”

“I will not,” snaps Changmin, on reflex, and there is a sudden, awkward silence.

Ara mouths, ‘ _flirting_ ’ from across the room.

Changmin mimes slitting her throat.

She scowls at him.

Yunho clears his throat. “Anyway,” he says, ears pink again.

“Wait. But how are you speaking Korean?” says Changmin, and almost immediately feels stupid. He was on a damn science fiction show about aliens; he should know better.

Donghae takes everything in stride. “I’m not,” he says pleasantly. “But our language is toxic for humans--”

“Toxic?” mutters Yunho, suddenly looking worried.

Changmin flicks the hair out of his eyes and doesn’t think about how Yunho was missing for like two hours earlier that day.

“--painful?” tries Donghae, lips pursing. “No matter. Our translation technology is top of the line. Heechullie-hyung swears by it.”

“Heechul-hyung?” Changmin starts to ask as the intercom rings.

“CHANGMIN-AH!” booms Choi Siwon’s voice once Changmin presses the button. “I AM HERE.”

The only thing that’s visible on the screen is what Changmin thinks is Siwon’s left nostril, which is lovely.

“Yeah, you really don’t have to yell,” says Minho’s voice in the background, dry as a bone, and Changmin has never loved the man more.

“Hush, Minho-yah,” comes Boa’s voice, but she sounds equally amused.

“Wait. Hyung. Where are the aliens?” says Taemin’s voice, and the younger man very quickly pushes his way into the frame, almost as if by looking into the camera he might be able to catch sight of Donghae. Speaking of the blue haired alien, Changmin is about three seconds from snapping at the man…being…because no matter how powerful and toxic his language may be to Changmin there is such a thing as personal space.

“Donghae…ssi,” Changmin tries to say, uncertain, and then there’s a flash of white light.

Changmin goes basically blind, someone--Yunho--puts a hand on the small of his back, Go Ara starts cursing, and then suddenly Boa, Siwon, Hyukjae-hyung, Minho, and Taemin are all crowded into Changmin’s foyer.

Ara is still cursing, and Changmin would join her, but Yunho’s damn hand is still on the small of his back--all warm and possessive and should-be-proprietary-but-is-instead-giving-Changmin-jitters.  Siwon, at least, is managing to return Donghae’s enthusiastic greeting with one equally enthusiastic. Changmin instantly puts a thumb on why Donghae unnerves him, and takes one awkward step back.

The action puts him even more in contact with Yunho’s hand, which happens to be attached to Yunho’s arm, which is equally warm and possessive and _fine_ , Changmin still wants to climb Yunho like a tree. He thought he grew out of it but he also thought he’d make it in the acting world as not an alien deer, but seeing as it’s been years and he’s about to pretend to be an alien deer for _actual aliens_ , Changmin should obviously just give the fuck up. And climb Yunho like a tree, as well, because if he has to go out saving an alien race the least he can do is have a few fantastic orgasms beforehand. Because not that Changmin’s thought about it, but Yunho would probably give great orgasms.

He opens his mouth to ask, and then, thankfully, his self preservation instincts kick back in and he practically leaps away from Yunho and his damn conniving arm.

Boa, who was no doubt watching this entire altercation, shoots Yunho a look. “Koala?” she says. “You sure that’s the right animal there?”

Changmin’s head tilts despite himself--he remembers that damn interview where Yunho said Changmin slept like a koala--and Boa raises both of her eyebrows as if he’s proven her point.

Yunho’s cheeks are suspiciously pink. “Shut up,” he says.

Boa lifts both hands, placating, and then turns to take Donghae’s outstretched hand without blinking. “Hello,” she says. “Lieutenant B.o.A. It’s an honor.”

“The honor is all mine.” Donghae fucking kisses her hand and bows.

Hyukjae-hyung steps forward next, looking surprisingly calm, and Donghae takes his hand before he can so much as say anything.

" _Eunhyuk_ ," breathes out Donghae, sounding reverent, and then kisses his hand as well. 

"Hi," says Hyukjae-hyung, sounding charmed.

Donghae bows again. 

Changmin meets Minho's eyes and raises both of his eyebrows, but before Minho can respond, Donghae is turning to face him with a speed that makes Changmin’s head hurt.

“And Flaming Charisma Minho!” cries Donghae, and yes, good.

This is exactly the type of quality content that Changmin would pretend to be a deer for. Minho’s unfortunate character name from early Season 1 is the funniest thing that has come out of _Dong Bang Shin Ki_ , and while Changmin has to live with the antlers, at the very least Choikang sounds cool.

Minho takes Donghae’s hand with a barely there smile. “Um. Hi,” he says, looking like he’s swallowed a lemon.

Donghae turns to Taemin, whose name was just Maknae, and finishes off the introductions. “And we are just waiting for the Science Officer, yes?” he starts to say, and Changmin very quickly interrupts.

“Do we really need Hojoon-hyung?” he says quickly, turning to Yunho with puppy dog eyes, and ignoring the way his friends and Boa are all looking at him. It’s not a jealous thing so much is it a Changmin totally would have made the better Science Officer if they didn’t want to try to not completely rip off Star Trek sort of thing. And also, maybe, a Yunho thing. But just a little.

“Changmin,” says Yunho, voice all soft.

Donghae beeps, for lack of a better word, and then looks apologetic. “We’ll have to leave him a holographic message,” he says. “The transport is nearly out of power.”

“What do you mean nearly out of power?” says Changmin, at the same time Minho says, “Holographic message?” and Yunho starts reaching for his phone, which is still stuck in Changmin’s back pocket.

So the holographic message they leave for Hojoon to find in Changmin’s Seoul apartment features more people squished together than ever should be squished together and Yunho with his hand blatantly on Changmin’s ass.

Which all pales in comparison to the real life fucking _spaceship_ they get teleported up onto moments afterwards.

“Well shit,” says Yunho. “This wasn’t like this before.”

“We were trying to make good impression,” says one of the aliens, stepping forward with a wide, terrifying grin. He has long dark hair, is wearing clothing that indicates he’s a helmsman, and his eyes are fixed on Yunho’s hand. Which is still-- _still_ \--on Changmin’s damn ass. “And I see we were wrong to worry about that.”

Yunho pulls his hand back like he’s been burned.

Changmin swallows.

The alien smirks.

“Well shit,” Yunho says again.

\--

Heechul is the weirdest alien that Changmin has had the misfortune to meet.

He’s tall, though not as tall as Changmin, and remarkably pretty, to the point where Changmin wonders if he’s got some sort of complex, what with the near perfect bone structure and near perfect eyelashes and definitely perfect pout. It’s unnerving, and Changmin would bet a hand and a limb that under the disguises Heechul is the most hideous of them all.

But then maybe no, since Heechul’s smirking at them now, and Changmin gets the feeling he’d actually be out that hand and limb.

He turns his attention to his fellow actors, who have all taken to the spaceship thing with surprising ease.

Boa and Yunho have convened around Leetuek, who is the leader of Super Junior (“Super Juniors makes no sense, hyung, stop,” said Changmin, as Yunho fucking pouted at him, and Boa and Minho exchanged fucking won.) and in charge of the entire space ship.

Minho and Taemin have been swept up in all the technology, being shown around by an unassuming man named Sungmin, whose role seems to be translation, based on the color of the sequins on his uniform, but has an impressive set of biceps that make Changmin think he does more than simply reroute calls through the computer.

Siwon is…staring at a random pillar inside the spaceship like it’s going to tell them the answers to the universe and everything in it, and Hyukjae-hyung is standing over with Donghae looking far too besotted for Changmin’s comfort.

Apparently after Yunho, Hyukjae-hyung was Donghae’s favorite in the ‘documentaries,’ which did explain the blue hair now that Changmin thinks about it. Of course, Changmin also distinctly remembers the fit Hyukjae-hyung had thrown about the hair in the first place, so the gummy smile and compliments about the color against Donghae’s skin were probably a little much.

Of course before Changmin can make a point to go tease him, he’s brought back in by the sound of Yunho’s voice.

“That’s probably more Changminnie’s prerogative, actually,” says Yunho, and then, once Boa has stomped on his foot, “I mean Choikang’s.” He swallows. “Max’s.”

Changmin gives a shake and makes his way over to where Heechul and Leeteuk are gathered around some sort of giant screen with Boa and Yunho.

“You called?” he addresses Yunho, ignoring Boa’s barely there smirk.

“I have a question, actually,” interrupts Heechul, before Yunho can respond.

The hairs on Changmin’s arms stand up. “Yes?”

“Where are your antlers?” says Heechul, and he looks suddenly knowing.

Changmin narrows his eyes at him. “Hidden.”

Heechul doesn’t seem phased. “Extraordinary.”

“We were on an offworld mission,” says Changmin, gesturing off in what he hopes isn’t Earth’s direction. “And I was…undercover.” He pauses. “I _am_ undercover.” He tries out a smile.

Heechul seems to soften, and Changmin breathes a mental sigh of relief.

He takes a step back almost in sync with Yunho, who steps just a hint in front of him, barely between Changmin and the consul, but enough so that Boa snorts none too quietly.

“But you were saying?” says Changmin, turning back to Yunho pointedly. “My prerogative?”

“Her worst album, I’ll say,” mutters Heechul, and Changmin barely turns a giggle into a cough.

“Leeteuk-ssi was just telling us about their problems with translation,” says Yunho. “And I said you’d be more help there.”

Changmin blinks, because right. He--Choikang--was the brains of the operation. Not that U-Know wasn’t; not that B.o.A. wasn’t--but. “Right.”

He turns towards the screens, where Leeteuk has pulled up video footage of a terrible thing that Changmin would absolutely buy was an alien overlord threatening an entire race and planet.

“Um.” It’s incomprehensible. It sounds nothing like any of the languages they’d tried on _DBSK_ _at all_ , and Changmin was around and drunk for a lot of the words that Jaewon-hyung tried out when they were working on the language for Cervidae. “I don’t. Um.” He shoots Yunho a helpless look, because there really isn’t any way out of this one.

“What Choikang means is that he is not immediately familiar with this _strain_ of language,” Yunho says, with all the aplomb and ease that Changmin had been initially jealous of. “Perhaps if he were allowed to study it further?”

This seems to appease Leeteuk, who ushers Sungmin away from Minho and Taemin, with a quick noise…thing….beep.

“That is so weird,” Changmin hisses out the side of his mouth at Yunho, who steps closer to him and onto his foot.

“Shut up and worry about translating that language,” Yunho replies.

“Fuck you,” says Changmin.

“Sungmin will show you to a room where you can look at the footage in peace,” says Leeteuk. “Now, Captain--I had a question about the ship?”

Yunho goes from looking amused at Changmin to looking deer in the headlights in two seconds. “The ship?” he manages.

“What U-Know-hyung means is he’d love to help you with the ship,” says Changmin saccharine sweet. “It is, after all, his baby.”

The look Yunho shoots Changmin as he follows Sungmin off towards further rooms in the ship should not make Changmin want his hand back on his ass, because they’re basically both walking to their doom at present and there is a time and a place.

Unfortunately for Changmin, it appears his libido did not get that incredibly important memo, because he ends up leaving the control room with an unfortunate knot in his gut.

“Are you alright?” says Sungmin, as Changmin digs his own fingernails into his palms.

“Fine,” says Changmin, barely managing to keep his voice stoic and as Choikang-like as possible. “Lead the way.”

\--

Three minutes later and Changmin has been left alone in a random room with what looks like a computer but which appears to want to talk to Changmin. He’s also sweating, no closer to deciphering the alien language, and completely cut off from the rest of his crew. Friends. The rest of his friends. No matter how real the spaceship is nor how real Super Junior seems to think _DBSK_ is Changmin does not have a crew. Changmin has friends and Jung Yunho and terrifying noonas who smirk at him and tell him that Yunho-hyung really does like you, Changmin-ah you need to relax.

And Choi Siwon, who Changmin is actually almost glad to see when the man barges into the room.

“Siwon-hyung!” says Changmin. “We’re all gonna die!”

Siwon makes his way across the room without his usual creepy pleasantness, eyes hard. “Changmin-ah,” he says, grabbing Changmin by both biceps. “You have to promise not to tell anyone.”

Changmin blinks and swallows. “I have to what?”

Siwon gives him a little shake. Apparently he’s _also_ kept his biceps.

“Promise me,” Siwon says, and kisses Changmin.

For a second Changmin thinks that this entire thing has been a damn dream. Like. All of it. Including the part where it wasn’t a dream and Yunho got abducted by aliens. Because that makes sense. He was tired and cranky and had just spent several hours reliving _DBSK_ at Cassiopeia-con and also been forced into a lunch date with Yunho. But then Siwon is pulling back from the kiss and slapping Changmin rather hard across the face and reality comes back into focus with a stinging cheek to boot.

“ _What the fuck!_ ” shouts Changmin, clutching his face. “ _Siwon-hyung!_ ”

“ _Sorry!_ ” replies Siwon, looking it. “ _It’s the only way!_ ”

“ _Only way to what?_ ” cries Changmin, still horrified. “ _I’m already trapped in a room with this damn computer that won’t listen to me because it doesn’t understand ‘play the video with Korean subtitles’ in Korean because it’s an alien computer_ \--”

“ _Playing_ ,” interrupts the computer, and Changmin’s jaw snaps shut.

“ _What?_ ” he starts to say, turning to face Siwon with horror dawning in his eyes. “Siwon…hyung?”

Siwon truly looks apologetic now. “I’m so sorry, Changmin,” he says. “I never meant for this to happen.”

That’s Korean--he’s definitely speaking Korean now, only Changmin--

“ _Holy fuck you’re a Super Junior!_ ” shrieks Changmin, voice very, very high.

\--is most definitely _not_.

“Keep your voice down!” says Siwon, shoving a hand over Changmin’s mouth, and Changmin seriously considers biting him because what if it’s a damn tentacle or something because Siwon _is a fucking_ alien.

“ _A Super Junior!_ ” Changmin repeats through Siwon’s hand. “ _Fuck. How do I stop speaking like this!?_ ”

Siwon pulls his hand back distastefully and wipes it on the back of Changmin’s uniform.

“Changmin,” he says. “You swore you weren’t drunk for that episode.”

“ _What episode_ \--” Changmin starts to say, and then pauses. Because _right_. The _kissing_ episode. That one where every single fanship on _DBSK_ came true because of some guest writer-noona decided that Cervidae should be able to pass knowledge through kissing or something, and Choikang had to keep teaching the _entire crew_ how to speak random alien languages.

Changmin hadn’t really been drunk for that episode, but. The big finale was supposed to be a U-Know Choikang kiss, and there was no way Changmin was kissing Jung Yunho without _some_ liquid courage. Of course that hadn’t happened--and the episode had been pulled and barely stuck on the bonus DVD anyway, but still.

“Oh,” says Changmin, in Korean this time, and with a lot less panic. “Oh, right.”

Siwon is still glancing at him with concern. “Right?” he says.

“Wait,” says Changmin. “Would Yunho know this language?”

Siwon’s eyebrows raise at the lack of honorific but Changmin gives no shits.

“Yunho-hyung--” Siwon tries to say.

“Like if he was really Captain U-Know of the Cassiopeia and all,” continues Changmin, uncaring. “He would, wouldn’t he? Like. Isn’t that part of his backstory? Good at languages? _Hell_ , isn’t that why _I didn’t have to kiss him for that episode_?”

Siwon purses his lips. “Oh,” he says finally. “Fuck.”

Changmin puts his head in his hands and debates screaming. Maybe the room is soundproofed. Likely it’s not. Likely it’s even got video footage and Heechul or whoever is watching him have a nervous breakdown.

“I disabled the cameras,” Siwon says helpfully. “I’m not exactly looking to be reunited with everyone yet.”

Changmin moans into his hands and feels only slightly better. “Siwon-hyung,” he groans. “Please tell me there’s a way for me to teach Yunho how to speak whatever this language is without ruining what little of our relationship is left?’

Siwon pauses for a long moment. “Changmin…ah…” he says. “Your relationship isn’t ruined.”

“Great.” Changmin puffs out a long breath. “Think you can distract everyone long enough for me to do this without earning Boa money?”

Siwon pats him on the back awkwardly.

\--

Changmin is going to die. It’s a hell of a way to die, probably, and no one else is around, but kissing Jung Yunho around a secluded corner while Siwon distracts the rest of their acting coworkers is a hell of a way to go.

To his credit, Yunho only flails slightly. He’d come far too willingly when Changmin had dragged him behind to talk strategy, and had immediately started rambling on about how he was sorry that Changmin had to translate that random alien language and about how as Changmin’s fake captain he should do better.

He’d even had the gall to go all crinkly around the corners of his eyes, which is what Changmin is blaming for the fact that he hadn’t even had the chance to lead in with any of the very frantic sentences he’d composed on his way back to the main control room.

As first kisses go, it’s not terrible. It’s not decent either, since neither of them are exactly happy about the situation, and Changmin is ninety percent certain Yunho will actually knee him in the dick if he tries to tongue him, but it’s not awful.

And then, you know, it occurs to Changmin that he didn’t ask Siwon how long this has to go on for, and maybe it didn’t need to last as long as it did and oh--hello, that appears to be Yunho’s leg between Changmin’s.

“Yunho-hyung,” Changmin says , or _tries to say_ , because as suspected Yunho really is that good of a kisser and all Changmin seems capable of at present is muffled noises that are not moans.

“Changmin-ah,” says Yunho, pulling back cause they do both need to breathe. “What brought this on?”

He sounds like he actually wants to know the answer to that question, but then before Changmin can try to answer it--‘well see, Siwon-hyung is an alien and I needed to kiss you to pass a language’--Yunho is kissing him again, this time with both hands buried in Changmin’s hair and one thigh grinding up against Changmin’s dick.

Changmin tries to swallow his own tongue, and then Yunho’s tongue, and then, well. If he’s here.

“Hyung,” he manages in the next air break, extremely winded and shoved up against a very conveniently placed spaceship wall. “Um.”

Yunho goes to kiss him again-- _again_ , screams Changmin’s slowly dying brain--but before he can, reality checks back in.

To his credit Siwon is trying his hardest to keep everyone away from their secluded corner, if his over-dramatic and loud acting is anything to go by, but to Changmin’s credit _he had been more than a little busy with the whole making out with Jung Yunho thing_. Luckily for all involved, Yunho hears them coming before Changmin can do something truly appalling, like sink to his knees in the middle of a real life interstellar crisis and offer to blow his very real very not alien coworker.

“--but you have to admit that sequins _look_ great,” Siwon is in the middle of saying when Changmin’s brain comes back online and his knees stop trying to buckle. “Right, U-Know-hyung?”

“Siwon-ah,” Yunho says, turning around with a bright smile and shoving Changmin further into the wall in the process.

Changmin figures why not, and lets his head thump back against the wall with a thud.

“ _Anyway_ ,” interrupts Heechul, somehow managing to sound both smug and innocent with one probably translated word. “Max!”

Changmin snaps to attention only somewhat guiltily.

“How’s that translation going?”

“Erm, well,” Changmin starts to say.

“And speaking of,” continues Heechul, sounding suddenly less innocent. “U-Know-yah.”

Yunho turns to the alien with large eyes.

“Aren’t you good at languages?”

Yunho’s mouth opens and closes.

Changmin is for a moment distracted because _his tongue was in that mouth_ not two moments ago. And then he snaps to attention. “He is, actually,” he says, and Heechul’s eyes snap to his face. That was probably a mistake, given that Changmin is pretty sure his entire mouth is like three times larger than usual and his ears haven’t managed to stop burning since he realized he had to go kiss Yunho in the first place. Which was dumb, now that he thinks about it, because it’s not like Changmin’s actually an alien or anything. Not like Siwon-hyung, who actually probably should have been doing the kissing and who Changmin is going to _murder_ because what the _fuck._

“Choikang actually translated the message,” says Siwon, seemingly unaware of the fact that Changmin is going to murder him.

Heechul looks like he wants to continue this train of questioning, but Leeteuk jumps at that.

Boa does as well, with only a minute glance in Changmin’s direction, and very quickly they’re all being guided back towards the main control room.

Changmin grabs Yunho on their way, pulling the older man to the back of the group once more, and for a second Changmin is struck by a terrible sense of déjà vu, although this time the knot in the pit of his stomach is guilt instead of nerves.

“Hyung,” he says, voice very soft. “Um.”

Yunho looks at him for a long moment, mouth downturned, and Changmin feels like he’s losing centimeters every second. Finally, Yunho smiles. “Changdol-ah,” he says gently. “Did Siwonie finally tell you?”

Changmin opens his mouth, and then closes it abruptly. “What?”

Yunho keeps smiling him, and it’s definitely the fake smile now. “Don’t worry, Changmin-ssi,” he says.

‘ _Changmin-ssi_?’ Changmin mouths back, heart pounding.

“I’ll just go find some excuse to kiss his cheek.” Yunho reaches out and pats Changmin on the shoulder.

On the damn _shoulder_.

“You’re a good dongsaeng, Changdol,” he says, and then.

 _Fucking leaves_! He just _leaves_.

Changmin is left standing in that damn empty hallway with his mouth hanging open and his entire face on fire wondering what he did to deserve this. His traitorous brain has been playing that Drake song since Yunho turned and sauntered off with his hips fucking swaying--walking, Changmin’s traitor brain points out, he was just walking--and all in all, Changmin is seriously considering wiring open one of the spaceship doors and just throwing himself into the unending vastness of space.

But then Yunho is poking his head back around the corner and calling for him, brows furrowed and mouth fucking _moving_ , and Changmin finds himself snapping to attention before he can help himself.

“ _Dog_ ,” Boa singsongs at him as Changmin goes strolling by, and if he trips her, it’s justified.

Particularly since the moment Changmin turns the corner Siwon plants one right across Yunho’s mouth.

\--

So apparently the whole Siwon is an alien thing was the worst kept secret of the entirety of the 86 line of _DBSK_. Apparently Siwon had gotten spectacularly drunk with the lot of them after shooting his episode on the show, and alcohol and Super Juniors didn’t mix well.

“He basically kept levitating all the silverware,” explains Hyukjae-hyung, with far too much calm for the situation at hand.

“You mean chopsticks,” manages Changmin, voice cracking. He’s been unable to tear his eyes away from the scene in front of him for what feels like hours.

“No, silverware,” says Hyukjae-hyung, tilting his head to the side as Donghae seems to compose himself a little bit with only minimal patting on the back by Leetuek, who just looks confused, and maximum cackling and arm slapping from Heechul, who looks positively gleeful.

Apparently Siwon and Yunho’s ‘secret relationship’ was news to Donghae, who seemed the most innocent of all the members of Super Junior, and who was finding Yunho’s continued insistence that kissing didn’t mean marriage on whatever damn planet U-Know was supposed to be from to be even more cause for alarm.

Changmin’s eyes are starting to feel a little teary, but blinking is really secondary to the whole…weeping alien thing.

“Now that you mention that that was weird too,” Hyukjae-hyung is in the middle of explaining. “Siwon-hyung’s whole…American style…thing.”

“Oh,” says Changmin, still feeling faint. “Yeah.”

“Anyway he made us promise not to tell anyone. Like. He was pissed out of his mind so I don’t know if he really remembers, but. Secret.” Hyukjae-hyungs shoots Changmin an apologetic look. “And you know how Yunho-hyung gets when he’s drunk.”

That’s enough to snap Changmin out of it, and he turns to give Hyukjae-hyung a hard look. “I wouldn’t actually,” he says, with as much grace as possible. “Given we’ve never gone drinking.”

 _You never invited me_ , is what he doesn’t say, but from the sudden guilt in Hyukjae-hyung’s eyes, the other man understands. Come to think of it, Siwon being a secret alien would explain the distance between the younger and older members of the cast, although Changmin always felt like Taemin and Minho were are least somewhat included. But that was probably because Taemin had always been Yunho’s favorite dongsaeng and Minho was Siwon-hyung’s.

Come to think of it. Changmin frowns. “Wait but who knew exactly?” he starts to ask, shooting his friend a poisonous look, but before Hyukjae-hyung can respond--and save Minho--Donghae throws himself into Yunho’s arms for an over enthusiastic hug.

Changmin is all of the sudden seriously considering saying fuck it and letting the evil overlord destroy Donghae’s entire damn planet.

“Minho didn’t know,” says Hyukjae-hyung, almost like an afterthought, and then, with only a minute glance between Changmin and Boa, he heads over to pull Donghae off of Yunho, who looks more than a little flustered. His cheeks are faintly pink.

Changmin finds himself halfway across the room pressed up against the other man before he can stop himself.

Heechul stops cackling long enough to shoot him a knowing look.

Changmin pointedly ignores him.

“Hyung,” he says, and really, when did he start calling Yunho that again?

“Changdol,” says Yunho, and he sounds breathless again. Like he did when he was kissing Changmin, only, the last person he’d been kissing was Siwon.

Not saving Super Junior from the alien overlord is looking even more appealing.

Heechul stops cackling abruptly, suddenly serious. “The time limit,” he says. “They’re coming.”

Leeteuk snaps into action, reaching out to grab Yunho by the hand, and then, as an afterthought, he reaches out and grabs Changmin too. “Come with me,” he says, also as an afterthought, and they disappear in another brilliant flash of light.

“I AM GOING TO KILL WHOEVER DECIDED ALIENS SHOULD DO THAT!” shrieks Changmin, the moment his lungs start working, and flails only minimally. He can’t damn see, since no one on this ship seems to care about human eyesight, but someone steadies him. Changmin leans into them before his nose starts working and he realizes it’s Yunho because _of course_ it’s Yunho.

“Changmin-ah.” Yunho sounds a little panicked, actually. “That doesn’t make any sense, um--”

“I SWEAR,” Changmin continues, unperturbed. “WHOEVER DECIDED THIS IS THE WORST AND SHOULD BE FUCKING _DESTROYED.”_

“Changmin--”

“--BECAUSE TELEPORTATION ON A TV SHOW IS JUST SLOPPY WRITING AND AN EXCUSE TO GO OVERBOARD ON SET PIECES!”

“Chang--”

“--WAS IT SHIM JAEWON?” Changmin continues, as his vision comes back online with minimal spots. “I WILL MURDER SHIM JAEWON AND WHOEVER ELSE DECIDED EVERYONE ON THIS GODFORSAKEN DRAMA WAS GONNA TELEPORT EVERYWHERE.”

“CHANGMIN!” shouts Yunho, and that gets through to him.

Changmin’s jaw snaps shut with an audible click at about the same time Leeteuk’s face swims into view, suddenly ashen.

“Drama?” he says, voice hoarse.

Changmin swallows, and then, when that does nothing, swallows again. He feels dizzy all of a sudden, and maybe a little lightheaded. Maybe it’s the teleportation. “Um,” he says.

“ _Dong Bang Shin Ki_ …is a television drama?” continues Leeteuk, voice strained.

Changmin opens his mouth to explain, and then closes it when Yunho steps on his foot.

“See, Leeteuk--ssi,” he starts to say, like the gift of a Hyung he is, and steps in front of Changmin.

Changmin thinks, suddenly, that the casting director was spot-on, before alarms start blaring. He realizes that they’re in the control center of the Cassiopeia, that he can still understand the alarms, and that they are, apparently, about to be forcefully boarded. Changmin understands, suddenly, what the point of the teleportation is. When the evil alien overlord and his goons arrive, the first place they’re going to go is here, and Yunho, Captain U-Know, that is, would, as always, be waiting to greet them, guns blazing, in more ways than one. ‘Cause of the whole sleeveless uniform thing.

Changmin thinks, briefly, that at least his sense of humor hasn’t been damaged, before the doors slam open and said evil overlord storms into the control room dragging the rest of the crew behind him.

The members of Super Junior look far less concerned about the turn of events than the humans. Minho and Taemin finally look ready to start taking things seriously, Boa manages to somehow seem both worried and patently unimpressed, and Siwon, who technically isn’t human, just looks despondent. Knowing him, he’s probably about to do something incredibly stupid. Like reveal said non-humanness in some sort of attempt to ransom. Changmin doesn’t know why, but he gets a vaguely princely vibe from Siwon. Like. If anyone was going to be an alien prince hiding on planet Earth it would be Choi Siwon.

When the alien overlord spots Yunho and Leeteuk it points menacingly and shouts a bunch of gibberish that Changmin actually can’t understand.

Leeteuk, if possible, is starting to look green alongside the ashy paleness, but Yunho seems to come to his senses. He looks almost apologetic as he turns towards Changmin, who for a split second thinks he’s going to get kissed, before he shoves him over towards the rest of them.

The alien shouts out another string of nonsense, somehow managing to sound even more menacing.

Changmin stumbles and catches himself, crowding close to Siwon and Minho, who each reach out to steady him.

“Did you know?” Changmin hisses to Minho, elbowing his friend none too gently and trying not to draw attention to himself.

“What?” Minho sounds shaken, like he hadn’t quite believed the whole alien thing until now. “Hyung. Suho isn’t going to believe this.”

Changmin strikes that; Minho isn’t shaken because he’s scared, like a normal human. Minho is shaken because he’s metaphorically shitting himself, like the science fiction nerd he is.

Changmin definitely needs better friends.

He turns to Siwon. “ _Is your last name even Choi?_ ”

Siwon turns to him sharply, and answers in the same language. _“In a word_.”

Changmin….doesn’t even begin to know what to say to that.

The alien is still shouting and gesticulating towards Leeteuk and Yunho, one of whom is starting to look like he’s going to his death and one of whom is starting to look like he’s going to throw himself in front of the other and go with.

Changmin takes a step forward before he can help himself. “Yunho-hyung,” he says, voice tight, before everything goes to shit.

The alien sputters out something that sort of resembles a car going off, Donghae gasps, and Heechul wheels around to point at the lot of them.

“I knew it!” he cries, eyes wide, and his entire form flickers. “You’re _imposters_!”

Changmin thinks, briefly, that Yunho did good to only throw up the once, before the alien overlord shouts one last thing and then the entire group of Super Junior starts wailing and looking less and less human.

And then, because the universe hates Changmin, the overlord and his goons vanish in a flash of bright blinding light.

\--

“Well that could have gone better,” says Boa, after a mild pause.

“Fuck you,” says Changmin. He’s just going to keep his eyes shut until his eyelids stop looking like florescent light bulbs.

“You could make a killing selling sunglasses in space,” says Taemin, from somewhere towards his right. He sounds like he’s seriously considering it. “Like. Kibum-hyung could design them. And Jonghyun-hyung could model them.”

Someone--Minho, Changmin’s brain decides helpfully--makes a small noise of agreement.

Changmin reaches out with his right arm. “Fuck you too.”

“They’ve initiated the Cassiopeia’s self-destruct mechanism,” says Leeteuk, voice dead. “We have an hour and twenty minutes.”

There’s another long pause.

“That’s a weird number,” says Changmin, finally. “Isn’t it normally ten seconds?”

There’s another pause.

Someone--Boa, Changmin’s brain points out--hits him.

“Ow,” says Changmin, on delay.

“Thank you,” says Yunho, sounding oddly calm. “Leeteuk--ssi--”

“I am sorry Captain U-Know--Yunho-ssi,” says Leeteuk, voice still dead. “And friends. We have…mistaken. We should still have enough power to return you to your planet before we…explode.”

Changmin finally peels his eyes open.

The leader of Super Junior looks like his world is ending. He stands, eyes downcast, arms clasped in front of him, bare arms rippling, and jaw tight. Heechul stands to his left, silent and somehow imposing despite the rip down the side of his uniform. When Changmin glances around he can see other members of Super Junior--Sungmin, frowning, the man he thinks is probably his equivalent Ryeowook--standing in the doorway.

Changmin swallows hard. “Listen, Leeteuk…ssi,” he says, stepping forward.

Yunho looks at him shrewd eyes.

“We might not actually be…who you think we are.”

Heechul snorts, nostrils flaring, and crosses his arms.

“But we’re not going to just leave you to die.”

“We’re not?” says Yunho, and Changmin elbows him in the side. “I mean we’re not. Of course not.”

Leeteuk lifts his eyes. “You’re not.”

Minho comes to stand next to Changmin and Yunho. “We’re not,” he agrees. “In fact we’re going to save you.” He glances around. “All of you.”

The members of Super Junior brighten. Donghae stops looking like Hyukjae-hyung is the only thing keeping him upright.

“But first.” Minho shoots a glance at the control panel, and then out towards space. “We’re going to fly through that meteor shower.”

“Actually, Minho,” Changmin hears Boa say faintly, as if very far away. “I believe that is an asteroid field.”

“Ah,” says Minho. “My mistake.”

“We’re all going to die,” says Changmin, and then Taemin-- _Taemin_ \--slaps him.

“I can do this,” the younger man says, shoving past the lot of them and plopping down into one of the two stations for helmsman. “Hyung.”

Minho clenches his jaw and crosses to the other spot, eyes blazing. “Right.”

“Couldn’t we let actual people who know what they’re doing do this?” says Changmin, and his voice sounds disembodied. But that’s probably just ‘cause his ears are ringing a little from the slap. “Yah! Taemin-ah!”

Taemin shoots him a chagrined look. “Sorry, hyung,” he says. “Jonghyun-hyung’s teaching me boxing.”

Changmin wonders for a moment if he means his Jonghyun or Changmin’s Jonghyun, but only for a second, because Leeteuk is clearing his throat.

“Actually, we don’t know how to fly it either,” he says, and he doesn’t seem nearly as concerned about that sentence as he should, but given the fact that he hasn’t sounded like much of anything for a few minutes, Changmin can’t fault him.

“What?” asks Boa.

Leeteuk tries to smile. “We, um. We’re not actually…space officers.”

There’s a pause.

“We’re musicians.”

Another pause.

“We, um, stole the ship. When the aliens attacked--” He says the overlord’s name, but it doesn’t really translate over well with whatever program they’re using. “--killed the entire crew of this ship.”

“The Cassiopeia,” Yunho says promptly.

“The Cassiopeia,” agrees Leeteuk. “Our planet was destroyed.”

There’s another long pause.

“Your what was what?” Changmin says, not even trying to mask the horror in his voice.

Leeteuk lifts a hand to palm the back of his neck.

“But,” says Taemin, glancing around the control room. “You’re only men?”

“We managed to get most of the population onboard,” says Leeteuk, at the same time Minho curses loudly and shouts out for Taemin.

“This is enlightening but _asteroids_!”

“Right!” says Taemin, fingers going to the controls, and what follows are some of the most stressful moments of Changmin’s life.

Leeteuk takes over the intercom to issue a ship-wide ‘fasten your seatbelt’ warning in what sounds like three languages, and Changmin somehow ends up strapped to a wall next to Yunho, who looks grim. He wouldn’t have normally chosen a standing seat, but Siwon had been the one to strap him in with a series of confusing movements and far too much panic for Changmin’s comfort. He feels pretty secure, but he also feels like his seat belt isn’t entirely fastened.

Yunho frowns before he can think more about that. “They don’t actually know what they’re doing either,” says Yunho, as Minho and Taemin steer the real life space ship through the real life asteroid field as a real life self destruct mechanism counts down to their impending doom. “We’re going to die.”

Changmin turns to give the older man his full attention. “Probably,” he says, shrugging, and focusing extra hard on the beauty mark next to Yunho’s mouth. It looks lighter than usual, almost like Yunho’s sweat through a layer of concealer. “You’re wearing makeup.”

Yunho frowns at him, confused, before his eyes go flat. “Sorry to disappoint,” he says, more than a little sharp. “I’m sorry I don’t live up to your standards.”

“Live up to my standards--what?” Changmin is confused. “Hyung--”

“We can’t all be models with flawless skin, Changmin--ssi,” continues Yunho, voice still doing that thing, and then he goes to turn away.

“Wait--what--hold on,” says Changmin, and wouldn’t you know, his seat belt wasn’t fastened properly, because only Yunho’s absurdly quick reflexes save him.

Changmin ends up pressed up against Yunho and the wall, eyes wide, as Minho and Taemin steer the real life space ship through the still real life asteroid field as the still real self destruct mechanism continues to countdown to their impending doom. This close, Changmin could count Yunho’s eyelashes if he wanted to.

“Be careful,” Yunho hisses, voice sounding strained. He won’t look at Changmin, eyes fixed on a point somewhere over his shoulder.

“It’s not my fault,” Changmin starts to protest, as Minho swears loudly.

“This isn’t working--we’re going to run out of time,” his friend says loudly, as Taemin starts cackling in a way that is not helpful in the slightest and Ryeowook lifts his eyes to the ceiling and starts praying.

“Changmin!” shouts Minho, without looking away. “Take Yunho and go disarm the self-destruct!”

Changmin whirls to face Minho as best he can with Yunho’s arms still gripping him by the biceps. “Yah I am three years older than you, Choi Minho!”

Minho doesn’t even spare him a glance. “This is way harder than X-Box, Shim Changmin!”

“That’s Shim Changmin-hyung!” Changmin shouts back, even as Yunho lets go of one of his arms so he can start undoing the buckles holding him to the wall.

“Changdol-ah,” he says, voice soft. “Focus.”

Changmin snaps back around, quick enough to give himself whiplash, and someone muffles a laugh over in the corner where Boa and Heechul are strapped to their own wall.

“Right,” he says, ignoring the sudden heat to his ears.

Minho swears again, swerving the entire ship to the left, and this time Changmin steadies Yunho when he gets half an arm free. “If I’m remembering that script right you should be able to get to the engine room through the air vents!” he says, and then, when Taemin pulls off an utterly absurd mid air maneuver, he takes a hand off the controls to punch the air. “We’ve barely got enough power as it is to get through this--re-routing it to the doors is out of the question.”

Part of the Cassiopeia’s left flank connects with part of an asteroid with a sickening scraping noise.

Yunho bristles, gets his feet free, and it takes all of Changmin’s strength to haul the other man off towards the door. “Let it go, let it go, let it go, Hyung, come on--” Changmin mutters, taking Yunho by one hand and somehow managing to get one hand in front of the other. “Why the air vents?”

Minho doesn’t respond, reimmersed in his real life video game.

“Because the writers were secretly into Choikang U-Know,” says Boa smugly.

“Fuck you,” says Changmin, decorum entirely out the window, and presses the button to open the doors with far more force than necessary. He shoves Yunho out into hall before following, still grumbling under his breath, and has to take a moment to embrace the sudden silence as the door slide shut behind them.

It no longer feels like they’re wading through molasses.

“The gravity must be different here,” says Yunho pensively, and bites at his lip.

Changmin slaps a hand across his face before he can help himself. “Stop that,” he says quickly.

Yunho stares back at him, eyes unamused. “Or what--you’ll smother me with your baby hands--”

Changmin pulls back as if burned, face flaming, and starts off in a random direction. “Victoria told me that no one was listening to that interview! It was like midnight!”

Yunho follows him instantly, annoyingly faithful, and says something that _sounds_ an awful lot like, “I listen to all your interviews, Changmin,” but couldn’t possibly be that. Because what the fuck.

“What the fuck?” says Changmin, stopping in front of the first vent he finds and ripping it open. “You hate me!”

Yunho doesn’t say anything for a moment, and Changmin reaches up to test the give of the crawl space.

“I’m not going to be able to pull myself up without breaking your baby,” he says. “So you’re going to have to give me a boost.”

Yunho continues to not say anything, but he drops to his knees anyway, hands clasped on top of his knee.

Changmin swallows hard and tries not to think too hard about that image, before toeing off his shoes. “Sorry,” he says, and then sets his socked foot into Yunho’s hand.

The older man only grunts once, jaw still clenched, before he lifts Changmin up into the vent, face first.

There’s a pause. “We didn’t think this through,” Changmin says finally, after a moment. “How the hell are you going to get up--”

He breaks off, voice cracking, as Yunho fucking…leaps or something and manages to get a grip on Changmin’s legs, not the vent, and uses the momentum to pull himself up.

Changmin isn’t sure if he should be terrified or turned on.

Yunho’s face is way too close to Changmin’s ass.

For a moment neither of them say anything. “Why do you think I hate you?” Yunho says suddenly, and Changmin nearly kicks him in response.

“Yah, Hyung!” he whines, squirming forward in the admittedly small space and wondering just how the fuck he let Minho convince him this was a good idea.

“Changmin,” continues Yunho, still holding onto Changmin’s legs and still basically with his chin in Changmin’s ass. “Why do you think I hate you?”

The entire vent gives a worrying creak and Changmin stops struggling away abruptly, more than a little out of breath. “Becauseyouneverinvitedmeanywhereandthefirstthingyousaidtomewasquitnow,” he says, in one great, panicked, gust.

Yunho makes a sound that’s more than a little surprised, more than a little broken, and releases Changmin’s legs.

Changmin goes scurrying into the vent as fast as he can, suddenly grateful that he doesn’t have to walk anywhere. He knees feel sort of wobbly.

They crawl in silence for far too long. It’s dark, cramped, the ship is still swerving through space, and Changmin is intimately aware of the fact that Yunho is crawling right behind him. After what feels like years, the space finally gives way to something larger. Which is good, because Changmin was going to murder Minho if he had to do this anymore.

As it stands, he sort of face plants into the empty space with a high pitched squeak, and it’s only Yunho’s quick reflexes and warm hands that keep Changmin from falling.

“Thanks!” Changmin manages finally, after three horrifying seconds of freefall.

Yunho makes a noise of agreement, but doesn’t let go.

Changmin’s lungs feel like they’re collapsing. He swallows, and cranes his head down. “Huh,” he says. “So we’re actually in the engine room, then.”

Yunho makes a noise that sounds like a snort and hauls Changmin back a bit so that he’s no longer resting quite as precariously over the gaping hole. “Nice to see that Super Junior got all the details correct.”

Changmin manages something of a laugh. “Yeah,” he says. “I was going to kill Minho--”

“Do you think you can get to the other side or are you going to have to nosedive--” interrupts Yunho, and then, when Changmin gets up on his knees so that he can get his feet in front of him, breaks off.

Changmin frowns, confused. “Hyung?”

Yunho clears his throat. “Never mind.” He sounds strangled.

Changmin arches up as far as he can, back connecting with the top of the vent with a tiny thud, and hauls his knees up into his chin. “I take it back,” he says, getting one foot down into open air. “This is the stupidest thing anyone’s ever come up with.” He swings both feet down, breathes a sigh of relief, and plants both hands on either side of the hole. “Who the fuck decides to connect an entire ship with ventilation?”

There’s another awkward pause.

Changmin’s arms only shake minimally as he lowers himself down into the room.

Finally, Yunho clears his throat. “Well given that we all breathe,” he says, voice dry, and Changmin feels his cheeks flame.

“Shut up,” he says, rolling out his shoulder and craning his head up to stare at Yunho’s face. “I’m hot and panicking.”

For a moment, he thinks Yunho actually gives him a once over, considering, but then the older man is smirking--which is just unfair--and going through much the same motions as Changmin.

Only with a lot more ease, it seems. The movements sort of flow into each other, his skin is definitely glistening, and Changmin is reminded of their impromptu waltz lessons for that episode back in Season 2.

“It’s really fucking hot,” says Changmin, pulling at the hem of his shirt and fanning himself.

Yunho rolls his arms back and stretches. “Yeah,” he says, and this time he’s definitely giving Changmin a once over.

Changmin…doesn’t know what to do with that.

“So where’s the self-destruct device?”

As if on cue, a panel in the middle of the room swings open with a lot of artificial smoke and blinking lights, where upon a device that looks an awful lot like a bomb sits, complete with wires, buttons, and a flashing countdown clock.

Changmin points, somewhat uselessly.

“That’s a bomb,” says Yunho, voice gone toneless, and goes to _step towards it_.

Changmin grabs him by the hand somewhat desperately, heart suddenly pounding, and hauls the other man back so that they’re chest to back. “Hyung!” he says. “Don’t _touch_ it!”

Yunho turns to look at him over his shoulder, hair tickling Changmin’s neck and chin, and says, cheeks only slightly flushing, “I wasn’t going to _touch_ it.”

“Let me call Command,” continues Changmin, feeling even more flushed. “And don’t give me that. You broke like five microphones in one episode.”

The good thing about having spent three years of his life on the show, is it’s somewhat second nature for Changmin to move over, click a few buttons on the door panel, and get a direct line into the control room.

“Yeah?” says Boa’s voice, sounding strained. In the background, Changmin can hear what sounds like Minho and Taemin having a shouting match.

“I didn’t break five microphones,” says Yunho, like a petulant child. “And you can let go of my hand, now, Chandol-ah.”

Changmin glances down at their hands, still joined, and pauses. “Ah,” he says, not letting go. “I guess I can.”

He still doesn’t let go.

Yunho looks soft, and then confused, and then angry. He pulls free with more force than necessary and goes stumbling towards the bomb.

“Yah! Idiot!” says Changmin, grabbing for him again, and hauling him closer again so that they end up chest to chest this time.

“Sorry,” says Yunho, blinking.

“Idiot,” Changmin says again, more gently this time.

There’s a short pause.

Finally, Boa clears her throat. “Shim Chwang,” she says. “As much as I appreciate the gratuitous amounts of money you’re making me, I am actually rather busy wrangling.”

Minho and Taemin’s shouting goes up a notch, mixed with Heechul and Leeteuk, and then Siwon interrupts with a string of alien language sounding very much like he’s done with everything.

“It’s a bomb,” Changmin says quickly, at the same time Minho makes a noise of surprise in the background. “The self destruct mechanism is a bomb,” continues Changmin, at the same time Minho says, “Siwon-hyung--YOU’RE AN ALIEN???” and Taemin crows, “I FUCKING KNEW IT!” and someone that sounds remarkably like Heechul starts prattling on about “YOUR MAJESTY” etc. etc.

“I’m sorry--did you say bomb?” says Boa, over the sudden clamor.

“Yeah--did Siwon just out himself?”

Boa sounds even more surprised. “You knew--?” she starts to ask.

“BOMB!” shouts Yunho suddenly, grabbing for the control panel and fiddling with the buttons until they get a video connection between the rooms. He’s using his captain voice, his U-Know voice, and everyone snaps to attention.

Changmin is so fucking turned on right now.

“Right!” says Boa, before she can help herself, it seems, because immediately afterwards she just looks like she’s swallowed something sour. “Yunho-yah.”

“The aliens planted a bomb,” continues Yunho, unconcerned. “How the fuck are we going to disarm it?” He swings the computer around to face the bomb in question, turning on the camera. The thing looks even more menacing in tiny, pixilated form, and now Changmin is privy to the entirety of Boa’s disapproval. She shoots them both a long unimpressed look, before swiveling around for Hyukjae-hyung.

“Yah, Lee Hyukjae,” she says. “Stop making out with the alien and get your skinny ass over here.”

Changmin….is so fucking turned on right now. What the _hell_.

Hyukjae-hyung comes into frame, hair a little disheveled, and eyes wild. “You know I’m not actually a space technician,” he says but squints at the bomb anyway.

Changmin suddenly wants to brain himself on the nearest wall. “This is getting nowhere,” he says, glancing at the clock with more than a little panic. “Look, this was a great idea, but--”

And then he stops, because the wall behind them comes open with a loud bang to reveal a man--Alien, Changmin’s brain amends helpfully--holding some sort of alien gun and grinning.

“Cho Kyuhyun,” he says, pocketing the gun, and stepping around the still smoking remains of the wall into the room. “ _DBSK_ fanboy, voice of reason, and resident space technician for the SS Cassiopeia.”

“Yeah, there’s no SS in the title,” says Changmin, at the same time Yunho steps forward menacingly with wild eyes.

“Stop blowing holes in my ship!” he shouts, fist in the air, and Changmin moves out of frame of the call to Boa and co. before they can notice his sudden erection.

\--

Cho Kyuhyun, as it turns out, actually isn’t a space technician. His official title seems to be head dancer, only when Changmin runs that by Heechul and Leeteuk over in command, he just gets back hysterical sounding laughter, which bleeds into hysterical sounding crying, and then Boa comes back into frame looking annoyed, and Hyukjae-hyung--fucking _Hyukjae-hyung_ \--actually does the whole ‘I’m watching you’ mime while holding and consoling Donghae.

“When this is over and we’re alive, all of you owe me alcohol,” says Changmin, and sighs. He turns to Yunho, who is still eyeing Kyuhyun with distrust, but also seems more than a little off center about the fact that he basically declared the spaceship as his. Although technically it is modeled after the prop spaceship that belongs to Captain U-Know, and Yunho is Captain U-Know, so in a way, it really is his. But Changmin gets it. Character bleed is a real beast. “Hyung, it’s not actually your ship,” he says.

Yunho latches onto Changmin somewhat desperately, whirling to face him. “And you!” he says, pointing. “Since when do you call me ‘Hyung’!?”

Changmin blinks at him. “Hyung,” he says, somewhat unhelpfully.

Yunho jabs a finger into the center of Changmin’s chest, and then sort of. Lets the rest of his hand follow and leaves it there. “You’re really ripped, Chandol,” he says.

Changmin’s entire face is on fire.

Kyuhyun makes a vaguely choking noise from somewhere to the left.

“Hyung!” Changmin says--whines-- _says_ \--fine, _whines_.

Yunho pulls his hand back like he’s been burned. “See!” he says. “You keep doing that!  
You never used to call me hyung!”

“Technically I used to be disrespectful little shit,” says Changmin.

Yunho is still groping his chest but mentioning that would bring everyone’s attention back to it and Changmin is fine with no one talking about it, totally fine.

“And also what do you mean I never invited you anywhere? You never invited _me_ anywhere!?”

Changmin is offended. “I invited you lots of places!” he protests, and, to level the playing field, slaps his free hand to Yunho’s chest.

This is a mistake, since Yunho’s chest is plush and wonderful and _gives_ when Changmin presses. Which. Changmin should absolutely not be pressing but Changmin absolutely _is_ pressing.

Yunho jiggles when he stomps his foot. _Jiggles_.

Changmin chokes on his own tongue. “And also!” he sputters out, “the first thing you ever said to me was ‘go quit’!”

Yunho colors and looks slightly guilty. “Yeah, well!” he says. “I was an idiot!”

“And--” starts Changmin, and then pauses. “What?”

Yunho’s lips press together briefly. “I was an idiot,” he says, normal volume now, and actually looks a little bit sheepish. “You were very cute.”

“I was cute,” repeats Changmin, feeling like he’s been thrown out into the vacuum of space.

“And you really did look like Bambi,” continues Yunho. “And I hadn’t seen you since the pilot.”

“The pilot,” parrots Changmin, from somewhere around the vicinity of the nearest asteroid. In the background, the bomb beeps menacingly. “Right.”

“And.” Yunho breaks off, feeling guilty. “I didn’t think anyone was going to do the show.”

Changmin pauses. “What?”

“I mean you know how Jun--”

He slaps his hand harder into the center of Yunho’s chest, cutting him off mid-sentence. They never speak of the unaired pilot, mostly because half the proposed main cast hadn’t returned to film the actual show several months later with barely a backwards glance or thought to the rest of them who’d signed the contracts. Last Changmin had been told, the three of them were doing very well for themselves doing whatever it was they were doing. Changmin doesn’t know anything else, and he’s not about to break that streak now.

“But I,” he says instead. “I thought you hated me.”

For a second Yunho looks angry, brows pulled together, and then he looks almost embarrassed, kind of endeared, and just a smidge enamored (?), but then that all folds back into anger. “Changmin-ah,” he says, voice tight. “I never _hated_ you.”

“No, he just wanted to bone you,” interrupts Boa, who is _still on the line_ , and when Changmin turns to look at the screen, has piled herself in between Taemin, Minho, Hyukjae-hyung, and Siwon, all of whom are sporting shit-eating grins.

“We survived the asteroid field,” says Minho, waving his fingers. “Magic fingers.”

Taemin hits him, but his smile doesn’t dim.

“Twenty magic fingers,” Minho amends, after a beat. “Also. I think we killed the bad guys by accident--they must have been hanging around to watch the firework show and whoever’s flying for them isn’t very quick on their feet.” He mimes explosions, noises and all.

Now that Changmin thinks about it, the ship does seem to be flying a little smoother.

“All those space video games paid off,” continues Minho. “Suho is going to _shit_.”

“Yes, thank you for that image,” interrupts Boa. “But can we return to Changmin and Yunho’s couple’s counseling?”

Changmin’s brain comes back online with a horrified squeak, and he slams his palm down on the disconnect button somewhat frantically.

Yunho stares back at him, mouth still open around whatever it is he had been saying before Boa meddled.

Changmin’s hand is still on his chest.

He pulls back with another less than manly squeak.

“Don’t mind me,” says Kyuhyun, because Changmin’s life is a tire fire, and lifts a hand from where he’s been fiddling with the bomb. “We’ve only got about twenty seconds till we all explode.”

“I thought you were a _dancer_!” shrieks Changmin, making a mental note of this moment so that the next time he decides to snark about shit--ten seconds, really past Shim Changmin, _really_?--he can preemptively punch himself in the face first.

“Yeah, well, Shindong-hyung’s actually better at that,” admits Kyuhyun, and shrugs.

“Fucking--do something!” cries Changmin, grabbing hold of Yunho and pushing him towards the bomb.

Yunho goes far too easily, and Kyuhyun moves aside far too easily, so they both end up crowded around the still counting down bomb--now actually at _ten_ seconds, so past Shim Changmin is getting dick punched as well--with wide eyes.

“Do something!” repeats Changmin, desperately. He’s getting an odd sense of déjà vu--almost like they’ve been here before. Only with less air vents and more over-processed videography, and for some unfathomable reason, electronic music featuring his and Yunho’s voices.

“I don’t know how to disarm bombs, Chandol-ah!” shouts back Yunho, eyes flitting frantically around the room. The alarms swim back into focus, blaring menacingly in Changmin’s ears. “I don’t even remember this episode!”

Changmin starts to panic even more, and then pauses. “That’s it!” he says, chest suddenly filled with life. “Yunho-hyung!” He grabs Yunho by both cheeks and presses a quick kiss to his mouth. “You’re a genius!”

“I--what--Changmin--” says Yunho, but Changmin is too busy flipping open the paneling to reveal the wiring underneath.

“It’s not actually a bomb!” he says. “It’s the self destruct!” He thinks it had been Jaewon-hyung’s idea to do it in the first place, but they’d only talked about it briefly over alcohol, and so most of that night was spent drunkenly rambling on about how _Star Wars_ had already gone the self-destruct route and how they had little to no funding for any of the dramatic things Jaewon-hyung wanted to do. Like blowing up the enemy ship. And ripping off Changmin’s shirt at least three times.

Changmin distinctly remembers having at least one pointed if not slurred conversation where he attempted to point out the absurdity of both making the self destruct mechanism of the ship look like a bomb and Choikang being forced to go topless for more than half an episode, but Jaewon-hyung had just rolled his eyes and said something about double standards and how it _would_ make sense since that way no one would think to mess with it for fear of blowing them all up.

Which like. In hindsight, the only reason anyone would be fiddling with the ship’s self destruct would be to blow them up, or to _stop_ them from being blown up. And given that the aliens had probably just opened the thing, shrugged, and armed it in a straightforward ‘who put a bomb’ here sort of way, and they, the ones trying to _save the world_ , had just spent precious moments failing to realize it wasn’t alien tech, Changmin decides that this is probably all Jaewon-hyung’s fault.

He ought to give the man a call and let him know.

“Changmin-ah!” shrieks Yunho, and Changmin resurfaces guiltily from that train of thought.

The timer reads five seconds now.

“ _Shit_ , Sorry!” shouts Changmin, and gets his hands on the red wire and blue wires, grabs them both, and yanks, with barely time to spare. “Fire and water!” he shrieks, as the countdown stops on one _fucking_ second. “We gave an interview ages ago about how U-Know was like fire to Choikang’s water!” He shoots Yunho as somewhat watery look. “So. Red and blue.”

Yunho blinks.

Changmin giggles a little bit, and lets go of the wires. “Jaewon-hyung was always a bit of a sap,” he says.

And then Yunho is laughing with him, and sort of maybe crying? But that’s absurd, because Yunho never cries.

Only, then Yunho is kissing him, like proper kissing him, and Kyuhyun is still unfortunately present and apparently calling the rest of their crew back in the control room but Changmin doesn’t really care.

Because Yunho is kissing him, proper, proper _kissing_ him, and his hands are in Changmin’s hair and his leg is between Changmin’s thighs and Changmin’s still a little bit confused, but that can all wait until later.

“Changdol-ah,” says Yunho, up against Changmin’s mouth. He presses their foreheads together. “We fucking _saved_ the world.”

“We did,” agrees Changmin, and then, after a quick pause, pulls him in for one more kiss.

Because it’s not every day that you get to make out with the love of your life after saving an entire race of aliens from impending doom.

\--

“You do realize we’re not actually space pioneers,” says Changmin, only a little hoarsely, after.

Yunho makes a noncommittal noise in the back of his throat and settles more firmly into his chair. The captain’s chair in the center of the control room, complete with no desk and foot rest and everything.

Technically Changmin’s seat is over on the side of the room by Boa, who’s been fiddling rather gleefully with all sorts of buttons. But no one seems particularly bothered by the fact that Changmin’s basically taken up residence behind Yunho, as close to him as he dare be without climbing into his lap.

His mouth still feels sort of raw, like someone’s run sandpaper over it or something. Or Jung Yunho’s lips, to be more specific, and Jung Yunho’s tongue.

Changmin swallows.

“No but really,” he says again, clearing his throat a few times to be heard over the beautiful hum of the engines. “We’re not actually space pioneers.”

“Yeah, well.” Yunho crosses and uncrosses his legs, frowning. “How many times do you get to actually fly a spaceship, Changdol-ah?” And he turns to Changmin with bright puppy dog eyes and Changmin is suddenly wordless.

Alien Kyuhyun makes another one of those noises, half laughter, half horror, and a whole lot of annoying.

Changmin shoots him a sharp look, which gets him only more noise, and makes  a note to maybe get the man’s number, or something. Do aliens have cell phones? Changmin doesn’t know.

“I, um.” Changmin doesn’t know what to do with his hands, or his feet, so he settles for heading over to his own seat and plopping down quickly. “Fuck off, Hyung.”

This time it’s Minho who laughs at him, and swings around to say, “So are you two finally dating, or…” like the asshole he is.

Changmin flips him off American style, not looking away from the touch screen in front of him. “Fuck you, Flaming Charisma,” he says.

Minho doesn’t rise to the bait. “Protest all you want, Bambi, but we all know who you really want to be fucking.”

More snickers from the peanut gallery--Boa this time; Changmin glares at her.

“And that’s Captain U-Know. Choikang.”

There’s a beat.

“God, why is your name so cool sounding.”

Changmin jabs a finger against the touch screen with relish. “Because I actually read my contracts,” he says, also with relish.

“Actually I feel like the antlers say otherwise, Changdol-ah,” Yunho says dryly, out of nowhere, and Changmin is suddenly grateful he sat down in a huff because he’s pretty sure he’d have face-planted into the nearest hard surface if he’d been standing. Which would have sucked. Given that hard surface was Yunho. Ha.

Changmin doesn’t giggle, but it’s a near thing. Anyway the antlers remain the bane of his existence, but he will not whine about it because then the teasing will get insufferable.

He’s lucky Hyukjae-hyung is too torn up about having to leave Donghae behind when they get back to earth, and Siwon is too busy hiding from his parents--his _parents_ \--who it turns out had been frantically stowed away on the ship as well. Because Siwon, as it turns out, is also a singer. And an alien. And a prince. An alien singer prince who, for some reason, decided that the best way to stay under the radar was to get cast on a science fiction television show about aliens, and then to invite himself to every single convention possible.

Changmin snorts. “Siwon-hyung is an idiot,” he says, but not unkindly. When he looks up, Yunho is staring at him, eyes light, and mouth quirked. “What?”

“Nothing, just.” Yunho tries out a smile. “It’s nice not having to hate you.”

Changmin’s mouth falls open.

“I mean I didn’t actually hate you,” Yunho hurries to add, before Changmin can give him hell. “I just mean. You were very, very clear about how you wanted our working relationship to be. And our personal one--”

Changmin notices out of the corner of his eye that Boa appears to be mouthing Yunho’s words to herself, her lips forming ‘personal’ with quite a bit of aplomb.

“--I just mean it’s nice not having to act like I don’t like you,” Yunho finishes saying, and he’s gone all freshly pink again.

Changmin is entirely too charmed by this. He blinks. “Um.”

“I never hated you, Changmin,” says Yunho. “I’m sorry you thought I did.”

Changmin needs to put a stop to this before his face goes up in flames. “It’s fine, Hyung,” he says quickly. “I, uh. Maybe shouldn’t have been quite so much of a dick about it.”

No one says anything for a moment, but that’s definitely Minho gasping in pain, and when Changmin shoots the center panels a quick look, Taemin is actually whistling.

“Sorry,” Changmin finishes. And then: “We’re idiots.”

That gets him a laugh. “Yeah, well,” says Yunho. “At least we saved the world?”

And that’s enough to break the tension, because Boa finally speaks. “Ugh, come on,” she says. “You two crawled through some vents, sucked face, and then pressed some buttons.”

“Actually they cut some wires,” mutters Kyuhyun, but he’s looking at Boa in a whole new light.

“I think you’ll find that the real person who saved the world is--“”

“ATMOSPHERE!” interrupts Heechul, standing in the middle of the newly opened doorway. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING.”

Which is right about the moment that Changmin realizes Earth is suddenly a whole lot closer and they’re suddenly moving a whole lot faster.

Saving the planet from themselves, it turns out, is a whole lot easier.

Yunho starts barking orders, Minho and Taemin show off, Hyukjae-hyung comes online to remind everyone that, ‘ONCE AGAIN, I AM NOT ACTUALLY A SPACE TECHNICIAN PLEASE STOP MAKING THE SHIP SCREAM AT ME,’ and Changmin decides, fuck it, and wheels his way over to Yunho to watch the view.

Because the view out the captain’s window is far superior to the view several meters to the right for _sure_.

Yunho just smiles at him, expression sunny, and when he reaches out for Changmin’s hand, Changmin gives it to him.

“I’m still not wearing the antlers again,” Changmin tells him, softly, as they pull a rather impressive landing. “Like, for tomorrow’s panel.”

Yunho keeps smiling at him. “Mmm.”

“No, I swear,” says Changmin. “And I refuse to leave the vest unbuttoned--nobody needs to see my nipples tomorrow, let alone our fans.”

Yunho’s eyes dip down his chest.

Changmin feels himself flush. “Shut up.”

Yunho’s eyes come back up and he raises his eyebrows.

“Shut up,” Changmin repeats. “Shut up--I’m not wearing it--”

And Yunho kisses him, which Changmin should not let him get away with, but he’d actually meant to stop talking about two sentences ago anyway so. Why not let him have this.

“Okay I’ll wear the antlers and shirt but you have to do that on stage,” says Changmin, once Yunho’s pulled back and it’s clear everyone’s witnessed the fact that he sat there with his eyes closed for ten seconds waiting for his heart to stop pounding.

Yunho’s eyebrows raise again. “That?”

“Kiss me,” says Changmin, and then, around Yunho’s lips: “no, Hyung, I mean tomorrow--for the panel-- _mmph_.”

This time he just decides to keep his eyes closed indefinitely. Because Minho is definitely the one giggling now, and he thinks Boa is filming them, and Changmin’s never going to be able to sass the people in the room anymore without them just _smiling_ at him. “I mean it, Yunho-hyung,” he says. “Tomorrow.”

“Whatever you say, Changdol,” says Yunho.

\--

> Cult classic Dong Bang Shin Ki’s Jung Yunho and Shim Changmin open the second annual Cassiopeia Con with a kiss: are they dating? The reports are in, and it’s a resounding yes, all around.

end.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> [Tumblr masterpost](http://zimriya.tumblr.com/post/158857092110/the-galaxy-quest-au) || [Twitter masterpost](https://twitter.com/zimriya/status/885534634863472641).


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